I think I might have hit this stage of grief. Its been almost five months since King has gone, three months since Mark- and suddenly I've found that something inside me has died. Some spark, some life force - and I feel hollow.
Perhaps hollow is the wrong word, empty of meaning is probably more accurate because I am full of tears, its as if the dam wall that was holding back an ocean has burst and my eyes leak it out almost continually. Even when there's not actual water on my face it pours on the inside.
The irony is that amidst this space of pain and emptyness, I'm trying to write an essay on hope. Yes. Hope. A concept I believe in but feel little of at the moment. My brain is choosing to believe, choosing to pray, choosing to trust that God knows what he's doing - while my soul simply throbs in agony.
My hope at the moment? It will get better. There will be a time when I do not soak my pillow in tears. There will be a time when I can think of them without pain. I believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It's just pretty dark for the moment.
Anyone got a spare candle? Mine ran out.
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